I forgot what I wanted to be when I grew up
Everyday I seem to be plagued by some new fear. This morning’s fear came while I was in the shower. To give you a little context, before the shower, I was feeding the baby and reading an email about resumes and what to put on them etc, and it got me looking for jobs on a Fashion only careers website. I looked at a design assistant position which before would have been too bottom level for a college grad like me. Topped with my recent discovery that I am f****** awesome at everything, I wouldn’t take a second look at something like that. But this morning when I read the position description I thought, 'oh yeah that might actually be something good for me.' What changed? Well I’m 32. I graduated from college 11 years ago. My last 2 jobs were kind of in the industry being that they were retail, but I’ve still never worked for a fashion company on the corporate design side of things. The job I found was in Southern California, and we definitely aren’t moving right now. Whenever we do move who knows how old I’ll be then. And that got me thinking if I will ever go back to work. And if I did, what kind of job would I be getting.
My 9 year old asked me the other day what did I want to be when I grew up. I told him that when I was 12, I knew that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, have my own fashion business, and stay home with my kids until they were 5. I got the stay at home mom part down. But while I was digging around looking for something in the garage, I came across all of my tried and failed (more so not fully pursued) business ventures: greeting cards, jewelry, scarves, wedding dresses, and now I’m on crochet hats. *insert pathetic emoji* I felt lost this morning.
If I stay home with my baby for a couple of years, I will be 35, and I had a hard time picturing myself still trying to find a career at 35. As long as I don’t HAVE to work, I'm finding that it really challenges my true hearts desire of what I’m passionate about.
Then I took a moment and realized that I like being home with my baby right now. He is my job so to speak, so maybe I should just do that really well and be present with that. Maybe I should stop trying to make hats and stuff to sell for other people and make stuff for myself because it’s something that I want to wear. Maybe that’s where the passion gets reignited. As I type even now I choose to encourage myself and my relationship with God. God didn’t make me to be a loser, or not to have any self worth. He created me with purpose, and I trust Him. I trust that He is faithful to finish the work He started in me. I trust that I can be fully present in my role as a stay at home mom right now, and when/if that changes for me to shift my focus to other endeavors that He and I together are partners and I will know because I hear and I know His voice. I realized that I won’t miss the call, because we walk together in this life and the next.
